A Letter To My Grandma In Heaven
When we miss a loved one who has passed away, sometimes the most healing thing we can do is write them a letter.
On 27 July 2017, my grandmother passed away. She was suffering from kidney malfunctioning, nausea, trouble sleeping, weakness, muscle cramps (especially in the legs), and what-not because of her age.
Losing her left an indelible mark on me because she was my primary caretaker when my parents went to work. We never really heal from the loss of loved ones, we just come to terms that they are gone. Even though she will never physically receive my letters, I believe her spirit is very much alive and she hears my words:
Dear Amma (Grandmother),
Hello! How are you? Long time no see. I miss you very much! I cannot believe that so much time has elapsed since your passing. I clearly remember the day I walked into your bedroom beside mine to hear from you as mum told me you wanted to talk. I recall my terror when you did not respond. I remember running across the house to call our family doctor (Dr. Singh). Do you remember him? The person who helped you conquer your fear of needles and syringes?
I am sorry for being angry with you for the very last night we could be together. But see, with you, my anger has also died in me. Now your grandchild has a fear of losing someone while angry so she now has a practice of saying “sorry”.
Thinking of you is a cheerful and tragic part of my life. I spent days crying, laughing, and other emotions I cannot even figure out. Your death is one strange thing — one moment I cry whenever I remember that I’ll never be able to see you or hug you anymore, and the next I laugh due to the funny moments we shared.
When you died, I took it so hard — it was the toughest thing to happen in my adult life. I took your passing the hardest of anyone in the family. I think it’s because, for the first time in my adult life, someone who meant such a lot to me was gone. I didn’t realize how much you meant to me until you were gone.
I’m sorry you will not be at my wedding if I ever marry. I’m sorry I’ll never hear your hilarious stories, and I am sorry I wasn’t able to see you one last time or tell you I love you one last time.
Finally, though, you can breathe easy. Finally, Grandma, you can breathe without a struggle. Finally, you are reunited with Grandpa. Finally, you are at home.
I can’t thank you enough for being my grandmother. I don’t know how you did it. You faced some incredible challenges that I cannot imagine facing.
I wish I had a magic wand to bring back time and spend one last hour with you to hug you and to thank you for everything, to say my proper goodbyes. If only I had done all that before you left, maybe the pain would be less unbearable.
So to you grandma, I say thank you. Thank you for being the incredible woman you were. I’m so thankful to have had the connection we did and while I’m better since you passed, and it has been almost three years, it’s still hard. But I know you’re always there, and you will always guide me and protect me.
I love you, and I am sure we’d meet someday in another world!
— Your ever grateful granddaughter.
